Fear & Forgiveness
Fear that someone would see it.
I spent much of my life like this up into my early 30s writing in my journal here and there. Sometimes daily and sometimes admitting to myself the things that I felt. Many times ignoring and pretending and not wanting to write or think about what I was dealing with or who I was or why I was doing the things that I did.
I feared my own true self I didn’t want to know who I was. I didn’t want to share who I was.
I was afraid of being authentic. I was afraid of showing the truth that if I did I would be rejected.
I had the story: this big, deep, long story a projection that had haunted me all the way through my past from my childhood.
Every time I got in a new relationship or was around something new I would tear out those pages of that journal and I would burn them. I would throw them away. What if somebody knew something of my past AND could understand who I was or even have an idea of what I thought. What I thought about other people or other things. I told stories from my side from no one else’s. I would show how I was the victim in my life. I would see how I had created these issues and really I never showed that I was a maker in all of the stories. That I would never show that I was just hurt and wanted to be heard. I would pretend that I was powerful and strong and that I can overcome anything but really I felt weak and tired and misunderstood. READ MORE…
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